Last night... I almost didn't survive.

I do not know how single parents do it... I wouldn't be able to survive.

Last night was rough. For whatever reason I was extremely tired yesterday. I didn't get much sleep Tuesday night and we all had tummy aches. I haven't gotten a full nights sleep in 11 months, so I don't know why I was so tired yesterday, but I was. So was Colin.

I decided we would go to bed early and started our bedtime routine at 7:30 hoping to get Colin asleep by 8.  No such luck. He nursed and then... cried. For an hour.  I was at a loss. I tried everything. He kept making the sign for me milk, very blatantly, in my face. Yet, when I offered him milk he would either scream or bite me.... but he kept making the sign. I thought maybe he was teething, since I've read that biting can be a sign of teething. So I gave him tylenol and teething meds and still, nothing changed. He would sign for milk and scream and bite and scream some more.

I put him in his crib and had to walk away. I was so tired and frustrated. I hate those nights. I turned off my house, let the dog in and got myself ready for bed. I brought my still screaming child to bed... where he continued to cry and sign for milk.  If my mom lived in my town, or I had a best friend down the road, I would have called them and asked for help. I was too tired to deal with it.  But we trucked on. I decided to call Ryan who is working out of town. When I turned my phone on, Colin calmed down. He reached for the phone and started playing with it.  Ryan didn't answer so I let him play with it. I figured it was more peaceful than screaming. He laid his head on me and I rubbed his back and the next second he was asleep, holding onto my phone. 

I said, screw my phone that will be dead in the morning and also went to sleep. I woke up around 2 and he was STILL sleeping!  A miracle!  He slept pretty much the entire night... which is very rare, but I think we both really needed the sleep and for that I am very thankful.  I can tell I am desperate for sleep when I have a break down at night. I keep thinking all these things on nights where I REALLY need sleep like how did I fail as mother and not teach my almost 1 year old to sleep. How have I survived almost a year of this no sleep. What am I doing wrong. 

It seemed like we were on a better sleeping track the past few weeks and then this week it has all gone downhill. BUT we all had a stomach bug the past week. Colin has his first real diaper rash from having so much diarrhea and I know our tummies haven't been feeling well.  Also I was hoping it was tooth #8 contributing to this... but in all honesty his gums look the same as they have with no real changes... so who knows.  I love nights where he sleeps because then I know he is capable of it... I just don't understand why it doesn't happen every night or even every week or every month.

I am thankful for a much clearer head this morning, so that is a good thing. The first thing my kid did when we woke up was stick his tongue out at me. So at least we are all in good spirits! :)  But as much as I love my munchkin and being a mother, It is definitely the toughest job I've ever done and I know it will get that much tougher as the years go on.