Zits

I am breaking out like crazy. :( Everywhere! (I even have a zit in my ear! lol) I am guessing it is from being off Birth Control and it totally sucks! I feel like I am in middle school all over again!

I am on day 10 of my cyle. Which doesn't mean anything to me because my cycle has been soo long. But I just thought I would give an update! :)

Nothin new under the moon!

Wait

So, even though AF came.. she had a very short stay. Just like my last cycle it was only like 3 or 4 days and very light. Not that I am complaining... I just HOPE it is normal. I stumbled across a blog of another young lady who was struggling a lot more than I am with TTC. She had on her blog a religious poem that she associated with TTC and I am going to steal it because I can relate to it. :) Here it is:

“Wait”

Desperately, helplessly, longingly I cried:
Quietly, Patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
and the Master so gently said, "wait"

"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply
"Lord, I need answers. I need to know why!"

My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance and you tell me to wait?
I’m needing a yes, a go ahead, a sign
or even a no to which I’ll resign
You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe we need but to ask and we shall receive
Lord, I've been asking and this is my cry: I’m weary of asking! I need a reply!

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate as my Master replied again, “wait.”
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut, and grumbled to God "so I’m waiting.... for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and his eyes met with mine...
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign."

I could give all you seek and pleased you would be,
You'd have what you want but you wouldn't know me.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair; you'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You would not know the joy of resting in me, when darkness and silence are all you can see.

You'd never experience the fullness of love
when peace of my spirit descends like a dove.
The glow of my comfort late into the night,
the faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
from and infinite God who makes what you have last.

You'd never know should you pain quickly flee
what it means that my grace is sufficient for thee.

So, be silent, my child and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
and though often my answers seem terribly late,
my most precious answer of all is still "WAIT".

AF!

Yesterday I told someone that my AF was Missing In Action. Well, apparently I offended it, because today it decided to show! A 44 day cycle! Holy crap! Well at least it came! I was starting to worry that it wouldn't. Hopefully this coming month I will start being a bit more regular.

Maybe there is something to the whole deal about waiting 3 months before you start trying! lol Hopefully that is all it takes for me to regulate.

Day 40

Tomorrow is day 40 of my cycle. I tested again this morning and got another BFN. I was really hoping that because my cycle was a bit later than last month that maybe... just maybe it could be it. But I think deep down I secretly knew I wasn't. Maybe that is why I didn't want to test. Because I knew that if I did test that it would be negative and I would loose hope.But instead if I waited then there was kinda... still hope.

I was a little bummed this morning, but I took out my frustrations by exercising and boy am I sore! I exercised this morning, walked the dogs and then went to work. After work I went to Zumba and walked the dogs again for 30 minutes. At least I have a release.

Now if only my stupid AF would come... I don't want my cycle to be all messed up.. HURRY up AF!

mind rambles

Well the pity party is over. lol. The last post I was a little down. I am over it. I know this is out of my control. It is just hard to come to terms with *how* out of my control this process really is. It will happen when it is supposed to happen. Not when I want it to happen. Or at least this is what I keep telling myself! lol

For me when I got that negative this month was out of the question. Although, I did take the test early and in all actuality nothing is completely out of the question until AF comes. Which is supposed to happen 4 days from now. We shall see. Although, I feel totally normal and not knocked up at all, so I am not expecting much. I was wishing AF would come early. But no, looks like I just have super weird and long 35 day cycle! lol. Hey if it does come in 4 days...at least I'll be consistant!

This blog really didn't have a point. I just thought I hadn't written in a few days... but my last one was such a downer that I oughta at least write SOMETHING lol.