It healed me and I didn't even know I was broken.

I feel like I've been on a birth high for the past 5 months. I didn't know that could be a thing... but apparently it is!

Whats funny is I thought my first birth was ok. I wanted my OB to help me birth all my babies and couldn't imagine doing it without her. Since I had Brynn I realized how not so great my first birth was. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't have support. I didn't trust or believe in my body or the process of birth. My labor was long, stalling because I was scared. I thought the epidural was the best thing on earth, but it wasn't. I couldn't feel when it was time to push. I was stressed and tired and couldn't even push my baby out. He was suctioned out, while I was begging for a c-section. He was rushed away because he wasn't crying. We never had skin to skin. He came back all bundled up like a burrito. He was sleepy from the epidural and I wasn't confident in what I was doing. I really wanted to nurse, but it wasn't working well. I left the hospital feeling lost and scared and with bleeding, cracked nipples. I remember being so scared that they would let me leave and trust me to take care of this little human. We made it through and I eventually became a somewhat confident mother. But this next birth and experience changed me. Healed me. When I didn't even know that I needed healed.

I had support. Before, during and after birth.That helped tremendously. I was dealing with midwives instead of an OB which I think really helped. I had a lot more knowledge on birth. I went into it trusting my body and knowing what I was capable of. I was still scared, but once I was in labor I knew I could do it. Would do it. And I did do it. I was calm, in control and the birth was awesome. When she came out, all of fears went away. I was strong. I was confident. She went to my chest and didn't leave my side for hours. (Heck she basically still hasn't) That time was so healing. Just her and her parents. Snuggling, connecting and getting to know each other. We nursed so naturally and she stayed latched all night. She wasn't sleepy, she was alert, happy, calm and so was I. It felt so natural, normal and perfect. So opposite of my first experience.

Now, 5 months later I just realized tonight how I felt healed. I didn't know I was broken or needed healing, but the experience was so very much healing for me. I went from being terrified of birth. So scared to go through it again, to having a birth I could have only dreamed about and wanting to relive that day over and over.  Two babies. Two vaginal deliveries. And two VERY different experiences. One that made me feel broken and one that made me feel healed.