CIO, Fail.

Last night Sucked. Bad. Very Bad.

I cried. A lot. So Did Colin.

I think I've failed at CIO. I think I might be a cio quitter. But I have no idea where to go from here.

Last night started out normal, got him into his crib and asleep without a fuss... and then 30 minutes later he was up and NOT happy. He had 2 naps at the sitters house and they were both only 45 minutes long. He was tired, which is why he went down so easily. He cried and cried for about an hour or so... until I nursed him again, almost to sleep and patted his back in the crib. But that hour was brutal. I was VERY tired yesterday and just wanted to sleep. Going into his room every couple of minutes to calm him, only to hear him scream when I walked away was just wearing on me and I had a major cry session... but it was nothing compared to what I had later. Lol  I finally got him to sleep and prayed and prayed that he would be out for a LOONG time so I could rest because I had a feeling that if I didn't get some sleep I was going to break.

He woke every 2 hours last night.

I nursed him back to sleep in his crib the first time and then the next time I tried to let him cry it out. It did not go well. I went in and out of his room so many times and each time he just screamed harder and harder. Then I thought, maybe I am making it worse going in and out and let him cry for a long time. Nope... he still screamed forever. I made Ryan try and that didn't work either, in fact made it worse. When he cries for so long he doesn't get sleepy, he gets wide awake. Ryan actually took him into the living room for awhile to rock on the rocking chair and I could hear him talking. Ryan said he wanted to play, but Ryan had to go to work, so back to the crib screaming he went.

About 3 hours after he'd been up I freaked out and had the worse emotional breakdown I've had in awhile. Totally ugly cry, sobbing. It was bad. Really bad. I didn't know what to do.  I felt like I was at such a loss. I hate hearing him cry... especially for hours. If it was 15 minutes, no problem. But hours is so tiring on you emotionally. I wish there was a simple solution. A sleep button you could press when you want them to sleep! Wouldn't that be nice??

I kept thinking I am not tough enough for this. I can't do it. I could have had him in bed with me, getting up every 2 hours and I would have gotten more sleep than I did. Maybe it is too much too soon? He's spent 9 months snuggling me for at least part of the night, then all of the sudden no more. Maybe I should have done it more gradually? I have no idea. I wanted nothing more than to bring him to bed with me.

I didn't.... BUT I did lay with him on the bed in the nursery and he snuggled right up against me and went to sleep. Of course it was like 6:05 in the morning and my alarm goes off at 6:09.  Needless to say I didn't get up til 7 something this morning and I layed with him for awhile.

Poor kid had big dark circles under his eyes this morning, but was as happy as ever playing before we left for the day. The babysitter had even given me some lavendar oil to put on his bedding. She swears by it for helping them sleep. But I don't think it did any good.

I don't know where we'll go from here.The first night when he slept 6 hours, I was so excited! Then it just got worse and worse. I'm not sure I can handle many more nights like this. I was thinking just trying the crib for part of the night and then going back to the bed for the other part, like we were doing and then slowly increase the crib. There has to be some solution where we aren't all miserable, right?

I know everyone has an opinion on this. I of course put it all out there and sometimes I shouldn't because it is hard to hear it all. Some say I need to stick with it and it will get easier. Others say obviously this is the wrong choice for us and we need to go another route. Maybe the answer is a little bit of both? Maybe we need to do a modified method that doesn't involve hours of crying and maybe not all nights will go smoothly and maybe we'll end up back in the bed a few nights? I dunno all I know is last night sucked. I think I cried to Ryan as he was leaving, All I want is some sleep... for all us... is that too much to ask for?! Lol