Last night = sucky

Maybe it was because we screwed up bedtime the night before by staying out on the town til 11. Or maybe it was because I selfishly wanted to watch the end of the football game so I started bedtime  late, but bedtime did NOT work last night.  We missed that sleepy window and we payed.

He was soo upset he did not want to breastfeed on either side (which is unusual... typically it is just the left.) But, he was starving and wanted to eat so bad. Every time I tried to bring him to a boob he would scream bloody murder.  I brought him back into the living room where Ryan was up working on some work and Daddy rocked him to a light sleep. I was then able to get him to feed.  He was OUT... BUT he had a wet diaper and wasn't swaddled.  So like a dummy I changed him and swaddled him and thought since he was nice and calm he'd eat on the other side and go straight to bed. Not.  I think we spent an hour and a half of crying before I got him to latch and go back to sleep. Sigh.

I was so upset. I HATE when bedtime goes like this and I know exactly what he wants, but he is too tired and fussy to do it. I hate when he cries. I feel like a bad mom. I know it is normal and I should deal with it better, but I don't. I just cry. I read about all these other people whose kids just go to sleep. They feed them and put them down in their crib and the kids sleep. I kept thinking last night, what the heck am I doing wrong?  He isn't sleeping, he won't feed. I can't get him to take a bottle or I would've tried that. He doesn't even sleep in his own bed for crying out loud. He sleeps with me, all snuggled up in my arms. And I nurse him to sleep every night, which is a big no no.  Everything they tell you not to do I feel like I'm doing. Why I can't I do anything right. 

Luckily I have a wonderful husband who told me that I was being too hard on myself and he wished I wouldn't get so stressed out. I then realized that me stressing wasn't helping the situation at all and tried to snap out of it. We finally got Colin to sleep around 11 and poor Ryan had to get up at like 4:30. :(

I don't know why I'm so hard on myself, but I've always been my worst critic. I think as an only child thing, I always strive to be *perfect* even though I know there is no such thing. But I strive to be the most perfect me I can be and this pertains to mommy hood too. I know that not all nights are going to go smoothly... even though I wish they would. I need to take a step back and stop freaking out when they don't. Colin is only going to be little for so long. Someday he isn't even going to want me to kiss him goodnight, read him a story or snuggle him to sleep (more or less nurse him to sleep too! Lol). So I should enjoy this time with him, while I can. No more crying at bedtimes for Mommy. Or at least that's my new goal!

We may not be doing things like the books say, but for the most part what we are doing works for us. With the exception of nights like last night. We have a healthy beautiful baby boy and that is all that really matters. First step is to actually sleep and sleep on a schedule. Next step is to sleep in a bed other mommy and daddy's... maybe.